i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
