I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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