Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
