my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
don't judge my taste in strippers
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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