I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
