my phone needs a breathalizer
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
