So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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