After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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