He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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