If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize