I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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