I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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