Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
