Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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