She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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