I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
