I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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