I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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