I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
