Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
