My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
