RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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