Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
