i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I stole a fireplace last night.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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