What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize