also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
