haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
