its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
