Welp...herpes.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
