in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
