Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize