It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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