seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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