just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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