I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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