I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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