I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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