dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
