I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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