Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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