Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
