Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
ttyl tear gas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize