I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Randomize
