Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
