Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
