our cab driver is having phone sex.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
