great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
