my mouth tastes like poor choices
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
