I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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