I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
