the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
