where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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