Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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