I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
