Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
