I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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