anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
