It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Actions speak louder than pants.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
