wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
